Tuesday, 31 May 2011

Digging Holes And Climbing Up from One

The bid document is well under way. Getting tons of energy from it. After finishing the zero draft, I turned the kitchen garden dirt over with a shovel and harrowed the surface even. Now I feel like a Wonder Woman with lactic acid attack in my arms. Does this sudden burst of energy and joy of achievement mean, that one day I shall overcome my depression? Maybe I am just bipolar. A pessimist never disappoints.
 The kitchen garden is ready to receive seeds. Green on the side is Allium schoenoprasum.

Monday, 30 May 2011

Lucky Star Shining

An old colleague wrote a message and asked, if I was interested in a short-term contract in my last job, if something came up. Of course I am.

Another even older colleague called and asked, if we could write an offer for a open competition for a piece of work. Together we meet all the experience requirements. Neither of us would qualify alone. My answer was again a definite I can, I shall, I want of course.

I am still unemployed, but my goodness, how I feel now! Excess weight, financial trouble, consumed jeans, who cares? I feel happy, confident, professional, worthy, valuable, a normal human being. My God, let everybody feel the same.

Feeling Almost Like a Winner

I made myself happy today. I did send a job application. It was for a job, which could be considered a way below my qualifications, but what the heck, I have very little ambition and the job could be fun. It feels like a place where I do not need to stress myself to the brink of burnout. Therefore, this potentially underachieving opportunity appears as a win-win from all aspects. It will end my unemployment, can be fun and stress free, but as it is in an environment totally new to me, it would provide me with an opportunity to learn new. So, keep your fingers crossed, thumbs up or what ever you do in your culture when you wish someone good luck.
In less than two hours, I received a reply with the usual two letter word.

Saturday, 28 May 2011

Airhooks And Ice Hockey

I am sure, that everybody on this planet knows, that Finland won World Championship in ice hockey this year. It was huge. We are ice hockey mad people, but we have not been too successful in it on that level. This was our second time only. Last and first time we won in 1996.

First we qualified for the final by winning our other neighbour Russia. Then we won a sweet victory against our dearest rival Sweden. 6-1. One of the highlights of the whole competition was a goal extraordinaire by a 19 year old young man from Oulu area.

The celebrations have been unforgettable. Good manners were forgotten at times and the team's managing department versioned the airhook on iceless ground in the front of the cheering crowds at return from Brastilava, Slovakia.
The lapse in code of conduct has been much debated, apologies pleaded and lessons learned. The bowl has started a tour around the country. Last Wednesday the celebration train reached Oulu. Approximately 20 000 people had gathered to the market place to pay respect to the six players who originate from Oulu area, who brought the price for the Northerners to see. I was there too, freezing away in icy Nordic wind and could not stop wondering what a game of ice hockey can do to us. It really can make the nation go beserk.

Friday, 27 May 2011

Moving to Strange Directions

It is 8.17 am. I am having difficulties get up. This is an every morn kind of thing, which has gone from bad to worse since I stopped having a reason to get up. I am naturally a late sleeper, but it has been controllable. Now that my problems are mounting, small things are becoming more difficult to handle. I am quite confused. I understood that with age everything will be easier, but I seem to be different here too.

Thursday, 26 May 2011


After yesterday's terrible self pity attack, which is actually more like a continuous state of mind rather than just an attack, I went out and did the right thing. Exercise that is. Good for body mind, as they say in my classes. The thing started with a heavy cloud of unworthiness hanging above me, which soon turned into something else. Rain. By the time I reached my sweet little home, my clothes were hanging heavy on me and before they were heaped on the bathroom floor, I had found a hole in my only pair of jeans. My jeans are threadbare and so am I. My life really doesn't proceed like The Martha Stewart Show.

However, biking in the rain was so miserable, that I forgot my life's misery for a minute and was stricken by a constructive thought. Heureka! I need to move and I need a deadline. So, if I have not scored a job by mid-summer somewhere, I shall move to Helsinki regardless of jobs or other reasonable reasons like that. I need to cut this stillness, this spiral of negativity. I need to feel I am moving even I am not moving on. And tomorrow I shall buy a new pair of jeans regardless of the excess weight I have put on or my current finances. Resolutions.

Wednesday, 25 May 2011

Doing the Wrong Thing

I spend two hours in the net searching for rental apartments in Helsinki and sent out two applications. Good for me. Zero job applications done and sent today. Shame on me. Now I am off for a good bicycle ride during which, I'll  blame myself for being useless piece of it. I do not want to do that, but I'll do. I know. I feel that way and despite my long trial to calm my mind, negative thinking prevails. After intense studying of yoga, mediation, Krishnamurti, Eckhard Tolle, Pema Chödrön and likes, I am still only a spiritual wanna-be hoping to find a job and the peace of mind.

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Prank Gone Horribly Wrong

I cannot see clearly. I see red.

Red I see, because I chatted. This was online with a twelve year old. A daughter of a friend. I asked her why she was not at school. She told it was too embarrassing to go there.

Few days back, she had entered the toilet, locked the door and sat down. Suddenly, the door had opened and a bunch of boys, same age, had been there staring, laughing and filming with their mobiles. They were caught, they were  punished, she was left unable to go back to school.

There are some hundreds of kilometers in between of us, but I did my best to type my arms around her in my most compassionate hug.

Monday, 23 May 2011

Those Were the Stays

I used to live in Asia. I loved it. I miss it. I like Oulu too and missed Finland when I was in Asia. Once you take that step to go far, you start to miss the other place. I might always be an in-betweener, but I have learned to live with it. It is just one side of me.

Sunday, 22 May 2011

Small Size Plus And Minus Miracles

I woke up this morning despite the Mayan end of the world prediction. It is beautiful outside. Warm and bright.

I got a lovely message from a friend. She offered her help and said many nice things. She also mentioned something, which brought back memories. She is not aware, that the colour of those memories are blue.

The tone of the day is grey.

Saturday, 21 May 2011


I am in a middle of a novelty experience. Kind of locked inside my house taking refuge in a sauna. First time ever I been told to stay in by a teenager. She is my niece who is having friends over for BBQ. I live in close proximity to my sister and her family. My sister is not at home and the yard is my niece's domain this evening. I am quite happy not to show my face in her party. I was a teenager once too. The sauna is my own choice for the night, as it is furthest to any noise and the yard.

On an evening like this, I do not have sauna. I brought in a pillow, camera, laptop, telephone and whole grain rolls. Now I am lying here. I have taken pictures, talked to my other sister on the phone and told her that I was asked (teenagerly and politely) to stay away and how I choose to stay away in the sauna. I munched two rolls with Emmental cheese and now I blog. Never done this combo before.

I also met an old flame in a super market today. He was the flame when I was about my niece's age. I blushed when I saw him. Like I did years back. He had aged well.

Friday, 20 May 2011


Due to that one certain void, I have become blind to my many blessings. This is a reminder of some.

Home, which is warm and inviting.
Food shared with friends and family.
 Occasional drink.
 Flowers. I save in many things to spend on them.
I am blessed. I just need to start to believe in it again.

Thursday, 19 May 2011


When the spring sun started to shine, my colours turned brighter.
Unfortunately my mood has not been equal in tones. I hate this state of affairs. I need a job. Desperately. Life cannot continue like this.